Moon Swings

What will you fill yours with? Love or Fear?

The one thing I hate about dating and maturity is that, well, it gets boring. There’s not much anxiety or fear anymore. Humans are so tired or worn out from life, that love becomes something they look forward to, but nonetheless need freedom from. Freedom from silly arguments and weird vibes. Freedom from unnecessary tears and worry that most assume is a major part. Freedom. We go through our 20’s claiming to want this peaceful, cheat free, thrilling relationship with a human, not knowing we’re slowing killing ourselves and each other by judging a person we just want to spend time with into a conformed zombie. People carry past traumas and abuse from previous relationships into the next, hoping that they’re doing the right thing for their new lover, or should I say, “owner”. That’s rather well, scary, and unauthentic if you ask me. Unless you meet another control freak like your ex or even yourself, there’s no reason you should be performing or expecting the same relationship rituals once performed. I dated a guy once, who had to know where I was every second of the day. He’d call and text throughout the day and would just say things like “just checking in” or “what took you so long to answer? Must be some guy around?” I thought it was love. Maybe he wants to know if I’m safe? So, I started checking in, too. Calling just as much. Expecting him to answer quickly or call back quickly. To find that, he wouldn’t do the same thing. I’d get blown off or ignored. After 3 missed calls, he’d pop up or complain so badly that I felt like I had cheated, when I hadn’t. After three missed calls from me which I felt I was entitled to be answered the first time due to my loyalty, I was talked to like a crazy person. I’d ask him the same questions he’d ask me, thinking it was ok to do because I mean, why would he be a hypocrite? Well, he was, and there was nothing I could do about it. Right? Even though I confronted him for being unfair, and we broke up, I subconsciously carried that behavior in my spirit when the next guy came, and the next, and the next. I thought I was doing the right thing and being a good girlfriend, and setting boundaries, but instead I was teaching these guys that I had no boundaries and was willing to relinquish my rights to please their fear driven egos. Sad. I even expected the same level of attitude because I thought it was right. When I wasn’t being questioned, I assumed he didn’t like me. I felt like if he wasn’t putting his thumb down, he was setting me free for another man to scoop me up. There’s no way a man allows that when he likes you, right? Let’s say you meet a guy or gal, and they check off all your requirements. They text back fast, answer every call, and even do your housework like an intern. Now what, can you trust them? Who are they? Are they even sexy to you? Do they make you laugh? Now, you’re in a boring, loveless, lust less relationship with no reason to leave because they do everything right. Is that really the goal when love is involved? Cool, I can call you when I want to make sure, you’re not fooling around, or to know you’re insane about me, but can I call you when my mother makes me mad? What if my job stresses me out, do you even have advice? Who the hell wants a person with no mind and soul. Just a scared anxious human, who waits on them. No one deserves that on either end. I finally met a guy who checked all the boxes. I broke up with him 3 months later because I realized he wasn’t cute, funny, or a leader. I have a type, ok? I didn’t love the guy who showed up, but I’ve loved many who weren’t around. Not because they weren’t available or hard to get, but because they were themselves. Ive realized loving a person is just that. It’s adoring someone for they really are. Not for what they do for you. Yea, it feels good to be answered, but it’s not enough, ever. It’s not love. Right?